Just came back from an Expo at University of Western Australia (UWA). I obtained all the information I needed for the Bachelor of Music degree.

But doubts are clouding my mind again. As I see it now, I have three options to do music: University of Melbourne; UWA, and hopefully Indiana University-Bloomington, School of Music (the one which I would have gone if not for Murdoch College.) IU has one of the best music schools. If I gain acceptance into all schools of music, I will definitely pick IU, no doubt about it. If.

[Frustration takes over]

Should I do Music? But if I do, what will I do after I graduate? I feel so confused. On the other hand, music is something I can't give up. I realize it deep in my heart now. So many times, I've had that feeling of the greatest conviction that, Okay, Connie, you are going to study music. It's something you love, and you have been doing it your whole life... it's you.

And then later on, the doubts come back to haunt my mind again and I think, But what if I can't make it? I mean, you guys think I may be talented and all, and I thank God for this gift that He's given me, but I can tell you that there are millions out there who are way more talented than I am.

I think to myself, my hands are small, and I still have difficulty trying to do octaves with my right hand (for some reason, my left hand is okay with octaves), while great composers like Liszt and Rachmaninoff could do twelfths. And I think, How the heck am I going to be able to handle songs with lots of octaves that only people with long fingers and huge hands can master?? (Ask a musical-knowledgeable person what a twelfth is.) And yeah, doubts like that keep plaguing my mind and playing on my fears of not succeeding. I doubt my own abilities. Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough. Sometimes I think that I just can't go beyond where I am now. I want to improve myself, so much, but I get scared and wondered if this is really the limit. Is this all there is to it?

I don't expect myself to be the best pianist, and I know that there are better pianists than me. I can only do my best. And I know that I want to return to God what He has given me. My mother often told me... "Do your best, and God will do the rest." I believe that. I really do.

But then why am I so scared? I guess it's more of, what I'll be doing after I graduate. Wait, I don't want to think that far yet... Let's settle on whether I can even make it through the auditions or not!!

Apart from merely performing the pieces during the audition, there will also be a short interview, and when I found that out, fear took hold immediately. I don't really mind performing, it's just a matter of nerves, and controlling my nervousness, but interview?? The professor at the Expo today assured me that it's pretty general - just a few questions, like what you'd like to do with your music, etc.

And that's exactly my problem. What do I want to do with my music?

I need to talk to my mom.