Last (?)

I know I'm long overdued for an update.

Honestly speaking, I don't know why I bother maintaining this blog anymore, if not for the sake of just updating and posting about some general event or random topics. I think the main reason why Jerry and I began this blog together was really for the intention of keeping you all updated and informed on what's going on in our lives, etc. etc. And I've come to the realization that I haven't really been doing that. I mean, heck, how many of you know what's happening with me right now?

I haven't talked to Jerry in a long time now, and I have not seen him in more than 2 years. It's easy to say, "Yes, an update is coming along soon", but I think blogging has to stem from some sort of interest too, I suppose. And I guess maybe it's just not his sort of thing? I don't know.

I'm finding that I'm starting to lose that interest too. The nature of my posts have changed over the past two years too, and it's just become more and more vague and general in recent times - okay, frankly speaking, it's just boring. Even I don't feel like reading the last few posts I've written! I censure myself so much that I'm left with nothing to share about, except for really... well, "general" events happening. I was probably more... I don't know, funny and "entertaining" in the early stages of this blog? And probably less reserved, too.

And the thing is, there are things going on in my life. There are issues I'm going through, there are so many things I'm excited for, fearful of - ups and downs, all of them. Oh, I don't know. I guess I just really need to stop censuring myself so much on this blog. But as I mentioned in one post ages ago, there is only so much you can say on a public blog.

If I were to really just let loose and stop holding back, the torrents of words that will be released would probably surprise some of you.

So I don't know... maybe it's time I just leave this blog as it is. As in, this is it - this will be my "swansong". I don't exactly know where I'm going with this blog anymore - I used to email, and I was probably a lot more open in those too..

But at the same time, one part of me is not quite ready to hang up the boots yet - one option is that I'm considering changing the URL - all these past posts will still be here, but I'll probably change the way I blog. (And I will let you know the new URL if you ask, I suppose.) And then I won't hold back so much.

I love writing. I really do. And that's probably why I'm not ready to "kill" this blog.

So... check back in a week's time. If I've locked this blog, then.. that means "the end", I suppose (if that does happen, it doesn't mean I won't ever blog again, though). If the URL has become non-existent, then I've probably decided to change the URL, and will blog more openly in that new environment.

I'm of the opinion that public blogs really thrive because of the readers - knowing that someone's reading does give you that inspiration to go on sometimes. So in the meantime, thank you for still reading this blog, despite how stagnant it's become.

Of everything and everything

You can't miss that which you never had or experienced. But you can yearn for it.


When rules are made to broken. We were studying the structure of fugues in class today, and I have an excellent lecturer who does such a good job of explaining, that what may appear difficult will made you go, "Ohhhh" with understanding in an instant. And once we got pass the general overview of fugues, he went on to mention all these "exceptions" where the rules of fugue writing may not necessarily apply. And that got me thinking. Aesthetics may take a precedence over strict counterpoint writing sometimes; it's up to you to discern whether it should be this or that way. But that line, that boundary laid down by those rules... sometimes, breaking the rule does not have to sound as bad. What if it's necessary.


It's funny how a single piece of information can instantly change your mood in less than a second. To be feeling contented and at peace one second, and the next you are upset and irrationally angry.


Hopes and dreams which can daunt you or urge you ahead. What may seem impossible does not have to be impossible.


If I had a penny for every regret professed on this earth, I'd probably be a millionaire many times over.


The desire to be heard and to simply speak out, but pride and dignity gets in the way and you remain in the silence of your world.


Faces on the street you pass. Sometimes I wonder about the person behind you, who is talking on your cell; you, who looks so tired; you, busy and caught up in your own world. We're all passing faces in a sea of egocentric individuals.


When you get past a certain point, and you look back and am amazed at how far you have come. Not in terms of achievement, but in the person. The "me" now and then, two vastly different people, characters which may be hard to reconcile.






And of course I know what day it is today. Happy Valentine's Day to all out there! It just feels like any other day to me; apart from the occasional adverts and red decorations on businesses cashing in on one of the most lucrative days of the year. Call me blur (okay, fine, I am blur), but the realization that almost all the coursemates I hang out with are attached, was one which dawned upon me and a fellow unattached friend a few weeks back. (And she pointed it out first, btw. I'm not desperate or searching at all, thank you very much. Lol.)

After class today, Alamby gave out beautifully wrapped small packages of chocolate to everyone. That was really sweet of her; she said that her mom helped her the night before. Lol. She had a bagful of chocolates with her.

There you go, my only valentine ;p (she's in the 'attached' crowd, fyi).


Anyway a few friends have planned (yet another) game night tonight - the so-called "Lonely Hearts" Club. Hahaha. I've been introduced to all these new games in the past year or so, and they're all awesome, award-winning games. Try out Super Munchkin if you can get your hands on the game - a wicked, scheming game which encourages cheating, hehe. Extremely fun.

Articulate, Taboo, Pictionary - classic games, still fun, but can feel quite old after awhile. Bang! is a fun diversion should one feel the need to rest the intellect. For serious scheming, Citadels will not disappoint. Settlers is another one I tried out last year, requires a lot of thinking as well, but haven't played it enough to get a real feel of it. Another game along the lines of Citadels and Settlers (city-building and stuff) is the cute Carcassone, which is very fun as well. I hope we get to try out Ticket to Ride later on - another interesting game which we haven't tried out yet, but has been lying around.


(Well, this is a change - I think I had a post where I was raving about RPG games about two years back. Now I'm this seemingly geeky persona who enjoys "intellectual" games. =P)

Going away for a week.

BUMMING seems to be my agenda ever since I got back. Yes, I'm actually complaining. I feel so eurghh to be so ... inactive and unproductive.



The maid accidentally stepped on the cat's left paw last week, leaving her with a limp (the cat, not the maid). What's worse, she was wearing the wooden clogs. Hard, wooden clogs. Poor kitty - but it's been a week now, and my mom thinks that she's already healed, and the limp is an act to gain our sympathy - as proven by the cat being able to play chase with the dog and running impossibly fast.

On a brighter note, I manage to get my ass out of the house to go hiking at Tasek. I personally prefer Shahbandar, but that might have to wait because...


I'm leaving tomorrow night to Miri, and then early Saturday morning for a 5-hour car ride down to Sibu. It's been two years since I've gone back to Sibu to visit my grandparents and relatives. I know one thing I will hate to face is having to answer questions about this path/course I've chosen. Sigh. I know I've ranted about it before, but ... it's still hard. How do you react to that "look" on people's faces when you answer, "Music and Arts". I'm sorry I'm not an engineer/lawyer/doctor in the making.


Stop.




Anyway.

I'll be back in a week's time. See you guys then!



Edit: I can be contacted at ... well, if you know my house number, then replace the double 6 with double 7. It's a mobile number.

Epiphany.

Are you really sure? Are you really, really sure that there is no way? No way at all?

I couldn't bring myself to ask those questions, even though I felt quite desperate at the time. But I just couldn't voice my frustrated thoughts out loud. A resigned "Thanks, anyway" and I left. Maybe deep inside, I already know that it wasn't possible.


`

Mistakes.

We make them. Sometimes we learn from them, sometimes we do; sometimes we just don't want to. Some mistakes can be rectified or undone. But certain mistakes, you can never ever undo. Once made, there just doesn't seem to be any way to make things right..


Time.


How often we wish to turn back time when you realize such mistakes. But time slips through our fingers, silently and swiftly; we grasp at it, trying to capture each grain, but each grain, a moment, is ephemeral; it escapes our hands and is lost forever among the myriad of sand.


But it is because of that very nature of moments that we ought to cherish every second, isn't it? The brevity and beauty of each moment in time is something that we often forget. We forget to count our blessings. And before we know it, that moment is gone, and we cannot turn back time, no matter how much we wish for it.


Regrets.

There shouldn't be room for regrets, even when it's tempting to wallow in that bottomless pit of self-pity. But sometimes, after all is said and done, maybe regrets are all that's left. Then that's when the struggle begins.


`


But you know what.

It'll be alright.

In the middle of the storm

Storms were lashing in Victoria last night. For the first time since I came to Melbourne, there was lightning and thunder. The rain here is normally light and falls gently like a sheen of silk to the ground, but it was considerably heavy last night.

I'm a person who likes the rain. I like watching the rain fall. I love thunderstorms, and watch the lightning streak across the dark skies, illuminating the storm clouds in its brief life. For a split second, that brilliant flash chases away the heavy blackness of the night. And then darkness reigns again. The rhythmic fall of the rain ceases not. The rumble of the thunder follows a few seconds later, and it is scary, yet magnificent at the same time. Does that make me a dark person deep down?

There's something strangely comforting, walking in the rain, feeling the drops hit the umbrella. I can hide from the world under my umbrella. We all put on masks.


My idea of retail therapy involves not clothes, but books and CDs. Walking into a bookstore, I slowly lose myself in the myriad of worlds, fantasies and adventures the books offer me, and for a moment, I can forget everything else around me.

From one corner of the world...

So just now I reminded Jerry on MSN about this blog we were supposed to share. Jerry was like, "Wow, you never give up, do you??"

"There's a reason why this blog is called 'OPPOSITE CORNERS OF THE WORLD," I responded.


Patience is a virtue.

Anyway.

Blogging can feel quite tedious at times... when I think back to why we began this blog in the first place, it was mainly as a way of "keeping in touch", I suppose. Before that, I used to bombard everyone's inboxes with my extremely long and convoluted e-mails, and perhaps the blog relieved that "burden". Lol. There's a kind of freedom with e-mails, I think, as opposed to blogging.

I mentioned before that there is only so much you can blog about on a public blog.


I think I'm quite 'careful' when it comes to blogging. 'Careful' in the sense that, I hold back and don't blog about me. When I say me, I mean me me, open and pouring out my innermost feelings and thoughts. (Here is where I admit that I keep personal, private journals for that purpose.)

Even when I want to, I think I manage to veil up what 'personal' posts I've posted on this blog in this vague shroud of detachment, so that I don't reveal too much... does that make sense?

But looking at how uninteresting and mundane this blog has become in the past year (and I assume as well that I've lost practically everyone who may have been reading the blog), maybe it's time that I just relax and not be inhibited by the whole "world wide web" thing. As in, I don't think there would be anyone who would purposely look for like, 'Connie's blog' to dig up my secrets and stuff! Most of the people I know who knows this blog exists are friends whom I know anyway... I think. (Whoa, that sentence sounded a bit confusing.)

Okay, I've probably lost most of your attention by now.


I guess the reason why I described blogging as tedious as times is because of that... I hold back too much, and don't really share a lot about what's really going on in my life (unless in e-mails or through phone calls and SMS-es). I guess I just don't open up easily.

Or I could be selective in who reads this blog, since Blogger offers that option.

Ah, there's an idea.

But anyway, I guess what I'm curious about is... how 'open' are you willing to be on your blog?


*

My brother's gone over to Manchester already... I know quite a few of you guys have gone over there to study as well. Things would be certainly be different when I return (hopefully) in late November. It'll just be my youngest two siblings at home... Unless I return to Brunei for the June holidays, I probably won't ever see my brother again until ... who knows when! (That's about the same as you, Jerry. Haha. I haven't seen you in two and a half years now!)

For once I can't wait for my exam timetable to be out, so that I can actually change the date on my flight ticket, to return home earlier.

The good old songs in years gone past...

Certain songs really have a calming effect on you when you just feel tired, frustrated or simply need something to perk you up.

Gary Barlow's voice settles over me like a warm blanket on a cold day.